Illumination
1st Glance
(Will o' the Wisp)
(Will o' the Wisp)
Shades of black I wear to school.
Dullness is the only rule.
Once I wore bright hues of red,
But now my heart obeys my head.
Passionless I teach the text,
Leave the building vaguely vexed,
Bored to tears, but in control—
Stop me please, I'm on a roll
With 30 kids who hate my guts,
But know to ask no "ifs" or "buts".
I hate the system, but cannot
See how to change it, so get out.
2nd Look
(Fade to Black)
(Fade to Black)
Once I wore bright hues of red,
But now my heart obeys my head.
Shades of black I wear to school.
Dullness is the only rule.
Passionless I teach the text,
Leave the building vaguely vexed,
Bored to tears, but in control—
Stop me please, I'm on a roll
With 30 kids who hate my guts,
But know to ask no "ifs" or "buts",
Learning names and dates and grammar,
How to speak and not to stammer,
How to add up "a" plus "b",
How to fake it till you're free:
Free from all this useless learning,
Free to "get out" and start earning
Money, though a few survive,
Escape the system half-alive,
Return to turn it on its head,
And fade to black from wearing red.
3rd Strike
(Coalblack)
(Coalblack)
Once I wore bright hues of red,
But now my heart obeys my head.
Shades of black I wear to school.
Dullness is the only rule.
Passionless I teach the text,
Leave the building vaguely vexed,
Bored to tears, but in control—
Stop me please, I'm on a roll
Of words and rhymes now in control
And framing mem'ry like a roll
Of film without the star's control,
But rolling, rolled, into a roll
Of fear, self-pity, uncontrolled
Reactions, anger, till the whole
Explodes, collapses, self-implodes
Into a lightless blackened hole.
4th Attempt
(Sunrise)
(Sunrise)
Enough already! I am in, not out,
And in or out, I'll teach. The problem's not
That I can't turn the system on its head,
But how to overcome my fear and doubt
And how I can escape the blackened hole
That's swallowed me and all the dreams I bought.
My struggles show that I am not yet dead,
But what will give me life, to truly teach?
Not what, but who will heal my broken soul.
Who but the Teacher whom the system killed?
Who lives and teaches truth that we may reach
Outside ourselves to live and teach and build
An open system, and a living rule
Where God and life and love are all our school.
(completed 10 years ago today)
Labels: poem
posted by eHewlett
2 comments
2 Comments:
Hello,
I am a friend of Issachar's and found your blog through his. I was reading your poems and a line from one of them has been rumbling around in my head for almost a week now. It's a line from the middle of the second version of Illumination:
"How to fake it till you're free"
I know that the poem is specifically referring to students but I couldn't help but think how often the same is true of adults. Thoreau spoke of "lives of quiet desperation" and your line got me thinking of the people walking around telling themselves "I can pretend to be happy, I can pretend this is enough."
I haven't gathered my thoughts sufficiently yet to say what I'd to like to say, but you've given me something to think about, and I wanted to say thank you for that.
~ Claire
Thanks for your kind words, Claire! The initial portion of "Illumination" ("1st Attempt") was, in fact, written at a time of "quiet desperation": it was jotted down over the course of a few minutes after a particularly gruelling day of my excruciatingly gruelling high-school teaching practicum - probably just before I collapsed into my bed to catch some sleep before dragging myself back to work the next day. I later re-worked the initial poem into what you see here (about seven or eight drafts later), until it, as a whole, has become my personal teaching manifesto, as well as an important exercise in learning how to deal, as a Christian, with the painful memories and experiences that so strongly shape who we are. Glad it spoke to you!
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